Analysis: Let's observe a moment of silence for John Cornyn's crushed hopes and dreams

U.S. Sen. John Cornyn reads Donald Trump’s “The Art of the Deal,” to garner support from MAGA loyalists. Credit: X / @JohnCornyn

As bad as things are in your life, look on the bright side: at least you didn’t wake up in John Cornyn’s body, with his pathetic problems.

Texas’ senior Republican senator must feel like a dog that’s been starved for scraps and kicked one too many times.

After all, Cornyn spent the past year slavishly courting the endorsement of President Donald Trump, only for him to endorse Cornyn’s opponent in the Republican primary runoff, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton.

Over the past year, Cornyn’s obvious attempts to pander to an audience of one have included posing with Trump’s book The Art of the Deal, and giving a pathetic thumbs up front of a Trump burger restaurant.

Meanwhile, Trump merely toyed with the senator’s emotions by dangling the possibility of an endorsement like a carrot in front of a lowly pack mule.

It seemed no matter how much Corny debased himself, he just couldn’t get senpai to notice him.

Like a toxic relationship, he even let Donny change him into someone else.

The once-moderate Republican suddenly got more MAGA. Or at least tried to appear so.

Cornyn spouted tough talk about the border and said he wanted to build an Alligator Alcatraz in Texas. He also bragged that he voted with Trump “more than 99% of the time.” Hell, he even reversed his long-held stance on the filibuster and blocked a commission to investigate the January 6 insurrection.

As if that wasn’t enough the Senator ran an ad just in Mar-a-Lago and other known Trump haunts for an audience of one. He also authored a bill to eliminate sanctuary cities and even proposed naming a highway after Trump.

Alas, he simped too close to the sun and has plummeted back to earth in flames.

Because no matter how much he tried to shake the RINO allegations, they followed him wherever he went, like the stink cloud over Pigpen.

Cornyn’s homeschooled mouth-breather repellence has only continued since he lost his longtime bid to become the Senate Majority Leader when Republicans backed John Thune instead.

Like every kid in the school bus telling Forrest Gump “seat’s taken,” Corny is at high risk of getting a swirly between periods. Maybe even a knuckle sandwich, or worst of all, a wedgie.

He knows it. Trump knows it. In fact, Trump can smell a loser from a mile away.

Trump may be barely lucid at this point, but even he remembers when Cornyn wasn’t a big fan of his. And he’s never quite gotten over it.

But with his endorsement dreams ended, Cornyn is such a nerd that his version of lashing out with a sick burn involves a reference to centuries-old poetry, as if that will finally win over the base.

“I believe that in terms of our success in November, that Ken Paxton would be an albatross around the neck of our candidates and would likely lose to James Talarico,” Cornyn said Tuesday, according to USA Today.

Yeah, John, perfect — surely cribbing from Samuel Coleridge’s “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” will prevent you from getting shoved into a locker after gym class.

Your party helped bring about the low reading levels in this country, remember? Now you want to quote 18th century poetry like a foppish twinkle-toes dandy?

Bro, that is not sigma behavior.

Say what you will about the wall-eyed clammy cave goblin that is Ken Paxton, at least instead of reading Coleridge he’s probably too busy with his purported romantic dalliances that defy explanation to any human woman blessed (and cursed) with eyesight.

But it’s not over until the albatross squawks, and a recent poll shows Paxton barely leading Cornyn in the final days of early voting before the May 26 runoff.

“I know who gets to choose our senators, and it’s the people of Texas and there’s no substitute for that,” Cornyn reportedly stated at a campaign event in Lubbock.

It looks like Corny finally averted his adoring gaze from Trump’s orange orb and realized we are here. Try not to make eye contact.

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